Original Identity for Adult Adoptees in NC

Twice Screwed by the State

2011-09-17T11:27:00.002-04:00

If you are an adoptee, and happen to be gay also, you will now be twice screwed by the State of North Carolina.

Not only will you not be allowed to have a copy of your original birth certificate once you are an adult, but now the State of North Carolina, is proposing Amendment One, to trample more of the rights you don't have yet.

I always have been taught that there was a Seperation of Church and State. What happened? Our State is letting religous right Representatives and Senators run the show.

Senator James Forrester of Lincoln, Gaston and Iredell counties, has tried to get a bill through the legislature for the past 8 years, and it has went no where. That is because there is already a law in place that prohibits marriage between same sex couples.

However now it will go before the people of North Carolina. Those who think Amendment One will just be about preventing same sex marriage, had better think again. This amendment will affect those heterosexuals who co-habit together. If a man beats the woman he is living with, she may not have any recourse.

However I digress. What this blog started out about is RIGHTS.

The right for an adult adoptee to be able to have access to their own orginal birth certificate.
The right of a same sex partner who is an adoptee to be able to have access to their original birth certificate and be able to have the same EQUAL RIGHTS as any other GOD fearing individual.

If they put Amendment One before the people, why won't they put another amendment before the people to allow adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificate?

Just saying: EQUAL RIGHTS are EQUAL RIGHTS are they not?

NJ S799 Passes 5/9/2011

2011-05-09T15:47:00.003-04:00

It took 31 years and many many people associated with adoption reform, and some really great sponsors to finally pass a bill to allow adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificate in New Jersey. This means that if and when Governor Christie signs the bill into law, that I will now be one of the thousands who will be allowed to see their original birth certificate.

I will know what time I was born finally.

I only wish that I could have been there side by side with all of those who helped to make it possible in New Jersey.

Pam Hasegawa, Judy Foster, Pete Franklin, and the so many more that I do not know their names. My hat goes off to all of you. I am in it for one more try in North Carolina and then will find someone to hand it off to. I do not have the stamina that you all have had all these many years to keep going back.

I will come to NJ to get my copy though and hope that I will see some of you there as well.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart guys for everything you have accomplished.

The American Adoption Congress - Calling ALL Birthparents

2011-02-09T12:06:00.004-05:00

The American Adoption Congress is calling all birthparent's. In November of 1998, 500 birthparents helped to sway public opinion and enact change in Oregon by submitting their names for publication to help pass Oregon's Measure 58.

The AAC is enlisting you to add your name among those who support the right of adult adopted persons to obtain their original birth certificate.

If you are a birthparent (mother or father) and believe adopted persons deserve access to their original birth certificate, then please fill in the form.

Your information is private and will not be shared. Only your name will be included in the list of birthparents supporting access.

Please tell others about this form. If you have already signed the form, AAC thanks you.

Family Medical History - How Much Do YOU Know?

2010-11-22T16:57:00.005-05:00

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Also during this month our US Surgeon General tells us to sit down with our families during our Thanksgiving dinner and discuss what diseases run in our families. For families with with biological children this is terrific. But for those families with adopted adults sitting at the table, it does no good to have this discussion, because we do not carry the genetics of our adoptive parents.

There are reasons for our States to start thinking about giving adult adoptees access to their original birth certificates. Stop and think about what the first thing a doctor asks when you go to him. What is your medical history. In fact you have to fill out the form, and for adoptees it is almost always the same. I can't answer this because I am adopted.

What this means for the general public, is that every time an adoptee goes to a doctor, and they cannot figure out what is wrong, then the doctor has to perfom test after test after test on that person. The end result for the general public and why they SHOULD care is that your insurance rates go up, for all the testing we have to under go.

If our States would only grant adult adoptees access to their original birth certificates, we might be able to find out our updated medical information. We actually might be able to find someone who has our genetic makeup and be able to go to the doctor and tell them that diabetes or heart disease or Schizophrenia or MS, or any other disease actually runs in our family.

Oh, but I keep forgetting there are those of you who are naysayers to giving an adult adoptee access to that one document which states information regarding their own true birth. And if I remember right it is because you have some belief that the women who gave birth to those children all those years ago were promised confidentiality. And even if that woman wanted access, all of you should have the right to say they can't have contact with one another all these years later.

Well, even if they were promised this supposed confidentiality, and it were to go before the courts in North Carolina, it wouldn't be able to be upheld. That is because the relinquised childs records are NOT sealed upon the RELINQUISHMENT. They are ONLY sealed if the child is ADOPTED. And currently and even in the past, I hate to say it but there was NO way anyone could tell a woman her child would assuredly be adopted. Are you getting the flavor of what I am saying?

I really hated having to have to go through all of those test every time I went to the doctor, but everytime I got through it, I would have a good laugh at the expense of the naysayers, and think about their insurance rates going up, even though mine would also go up.

What can you do during the rest of this month, or next month or even the first one in the new year? Well, there is currently a movie out regarding the impact of sealed records on older adoptees. It is called "Adopted: For the Life of Me". (Trailer can be seen on Youtube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el7FQEDtb-M)

Our organization is here to show this movie to any group who would like to see it. There is no charge. Donations to our organization are welcome.

We will come to your church, home, meeting hall, you just tell us where. We have our own equipment, all you need is a blank wall.

We ensure you this movie will stir emotions in you that you didn't know were there.

Contact us through our home link if you are interested or know someone who may be intererested in seeing this documentary.

Full Day of Adoption Movies - Evening of Music

2010-10-15T09:46:00.009-04:00

One week from tomorrow, on October 23, the NC Coalition for Adoption Reform will host an ALL day event, at the NC University of Chapel Hill Chapman Hall Room 125 - starting with registration at 8:30am.

This event celebrates the implementation of HB1463 - Confidential Intermediary - Expand Access bill passage and implementation on October 1, 2010
This new bill allows "Biological Siblings and 1/2 siblings of adult adoptees, adult fmily members of deceased adoptees and adult family members of a deceased biological parent to have access to the CI program services upon the consent of the parties, and allows an agency to act as a CI to obtain a copy of a death certificate of the person who is a subject of a search and deliver it to the person requesting the services.

At 9:00am, you will be able to view the movie Loggerheads - Inspired by true events, Loggerheads tells the story of an adoption "triad" - birthmother, child, and adoptive parents - each in three interwoven stories in the days leading up to Mother's Day weekend, and each in one of the three distinctive geographical regions of North Carolina - mountains, Piedmont and costal plain.
After the movie, Diana Ricketts, the birthmother whom Bonnie Hunt portrays in Tim Kirkman's movie will be on hand to answer questions. Tim will Skype in after the movie.

At 11:30am, viewers will see Roots: Unknown by Zara Phillips - A 30 minute documentary examining the lifelong impact of adoption. This movie focuses on the emotional influence adoption has on the adoptee and their families.

At 1:30pm, we will show Unlocking the Heart of Adoption by Sheila Ganz - This movie chronicles the filmaker's journey as a birthmother interwoven with diverse personal stories of adoptees, birthparents and adoptive parents in both same rase and transracial adoptions. These stories span 70 years. Sheila will join the audience for questions following the movie via Skype.

At 3:15, For the Life of Me - by Jean Strauss will be shown. What would it be like to never know who you were when you were born? For the Life of Me follows Dave as he embarks on a journey to find his birthmother. Along with the heartwarming stories of Joe and a half dozen other adopted citizens, Dave's saga illuminates the impact secrets can have over an entire lifetime. With its unexpected and moving conclusion, For the Life of Me is one of those films that will stay with you long after you witness it.
Jean will join us via Skype after this movies.

During the day you will have an opportunity to purchase some very unique photograps from the album Adoption Roots: Lost and Found done by Katrina Ketring. Her photos tell a story of Adoption from Birth, Separation, Feelings of Loss in Adoption, Lost Roots, the Search for roots and reunion. Her photography shows : How it feels to loose your Roots, the hole in adoption, the longing for our roots. Who am I? Who do I look like? What is my story, my heritage, my past, my roots? Was I wanted, was I loved?
Katrina is a reunited adoptee (17 years). We will be auctioning off three of her photos in 8x10 during the event.

Starting at 7:00 pm that evening, you will be entertained by Jo Gore and Bo Lankenau. Jo is a local girl, who sings Rock and Roll with Acoustic Soul.

At 7:30pm, Mary Gauthier [Go-Shay] and Tania Elizabeth will entertain with songs from Mary's new album called "The Foundling". The album has soncs such as: Mama Here, Mama Gone, Blood is Blood and The Orphan King.

The cost of this event is:
Full Day - $25.00
Movies Only $10.00
Music Only $15.00
(Sorry - No Credit Cards or checks at registration)

We hope you will come and join us for what will assuredly be a terrific day of entertainment.
Please contact Roberta MacDonald at nccar@mindspring.com if you would like to RSVP for this event.

Upcoming Adoption Events - October & November

2010-10-06T12:59:00.004-04:00

Well, it is that time of the year. The NC Coalition for Adoption Reform (NCCAR) is in it's 'educational' mode. We ususally do this all in the month of November, but this year it will start in October and go through November.

An email was sent out asking members to please renew their membership with NCCAR, even if we will not be doing any legislation for the next year or so. Educating the masses takes money and a lot of it. Please go to our website and to the registration page to find out how to renew or become a new member if you are just finding out about us.

October 9 - Transracial Adoption Support Group of Raleigh. We will be doing an adoption panel for over 20 adoptive parents. We have an Adoptive mother and her daughter who are in a very open adoption. We have a bi-racial birthmother who has just reunited with her daughter. We also have a Korean adoptee who will be joining us via Google Chat & video. Then there are two other adoptees also one found by her birthmother, and another who is no longer in reuinon with her birthmother.

October 14 - We will be showing the documentary on Adam Pertman to the Durham County DSS. We will also be doing some neat adoption exercises with the social workers, to try and help them 'GET IT'.

October 23 - BIG EVENT - This will be an ALL DAY event. Four adoption movies during the day, and then a big evening of music. Opening will be Jo Gore and the Alternatives from 7:00 - 7:30pm and then Mary Gauthier [Go-Shay] and Tania Elizabeth will perform. Mary is an adult adoptee, and will be singing from her new album "The Foundling". This event is $25.00 for the whole day, $10.00 for just the movies, and $15.00 for just the Music.
This is an RSVP event, so please go to our website and see how you can RSVP for this.

November 1 - NCCAR will start out showing Jean Strauss's - For the Life of Me to the DSS workers in Rowan County. Later that evening I will be showing 2 Niteline documentaries to the Davidson County DSS and Foster Parents. We have adoption related exercises which are done at most of our film viewings.

November 2 - NCCAR members will start out in Lincoln County showing two different documentaries one on foster care, then that night I will be in Polk County NC to show Foster Parents - Foster Care: Calling All Angels. Adoption exercises will be done with these group also

November 4 - Starts out in Onslow County showing to one of our favorite groups from last year, showing them 'For The Life of Me', and then showing the same movie to our other favorite group from last year Pitt County DSS. We will be doing some of our adoption exercises at each of these viewings.

November 5 - Has members of NCCAR in Mecklenburg County showing them the two Nightline Documentaries and our adoption related exercises.

November 7 - Triangle Adoption Support Group will see For the Life of Me - from 2:30 - 4:30 pm

November 9 - Adoption Triad Dialogue Support Group in Greensboro will be seeing For the Life of Me.

November 15 - NCCAR members will be back on the road to Gates County DSS to show them 'For the Life of Me' and doing adoption related exercises.

We still have a couple of Foster Parent groups which we may also be showing to during November.

As you can see we do a lot of traveling with our education, so if you feel so inclined, please go to our website and see how you can help us out with our costs. Our October 23 event is going to cost us quite a bit of our reserved cash.

If you know of any group you would like for us to come and educate about adoption, please contact us. We do this during anytime of the year, but National Adoption Awareness Month - November is always a great time to do it in. Please do not hesitate to contact us, and we will try to set up a time to accomodate you and your group.

A New Updated Confidential Intermediary Program

2010-08-25T08:51:00.004-04:00

On October 1, 2010 North Carolina will implement a new phase to the Confidential Intermediary Program. The newlaw will now allow adult adoptees 18 years and older (no longer 21)to utilize the program. Full and half siblings will be able to utilize the program to search for an adoptee. Other family members of a deceased biological parent will be able to use the program. This new update will also allow anyone who searches to and finds a grave at the end of their search to be able to request a copy of the death certificate from the agency who performed the search.

We currently do not know if the agencies will uphold the last part for parties retroactively or not. It may be worth you trying to go back to the agency and requesting the death certificate.

In light of this, we would like to hear from those of you in North Carolina who have successfully or not so successfully utilized the program as it currently is.

Which agency did you use? Can you let us know how much they charged? Was this reasonable to you? Did the birthparent / adoptee want contact? If you are the adoptee, and the birthparent did not want contact, did the agency try to obtain updated medical information on your behalf? Any other information you would be willing to share with us would be most helpful.

Please keep us updated on your reunion if you have had one.

Change is in the Wind - For Those Who Fight For It

2010-05-18T07:40:00.002-04:00

Change is right around the corner, but only if those associated with adoption really want that change.

You are the ones who vote the legislators in Raleigh into their positions. So they are suppose to listen to you as their constituents. However if you never write or call them they do cannot read your mind as to what you want them to vote favorably for.

When I go out to adoptionforums.com, under search and reunion, I see all of these people who want to find some loved one. The NC Coalition is trying to get that for those people in allowing them to be able to utilize the confidential intermediary program.

But the organization cannot do it alone. It does need everyone who happens upon this blog to help by writing to their legislator today.

We have bill HB 1463 Expand Access Confidential Intermediary passed through the House, but now it is back in the Senate JII committee, because members of the NC Family Policy Council are working the legislators, and telling them if they make this new change women will abort their children instead of giving them up for adoption.

This agency clearly does not know the law, just as many of our legislators do not understand that records are only SEALED upon the FINALIZATION OF ADOPTION, so you can NEVER legally promise a birthmother confidentiality. Her child may NEVER be adopted.

Plus, our legislators continue to spend our tax dollars, in the attempt of telling which adult can talk or contact another adult. Does this happen in any other aspect of life other than adoption? No, it doesn't, and shouldn't for adoptees and birthparents or adoptees and siblings or adoptees and other blood related family members. All adoption did was substitute one blood related family for one which is not blood related.

We cannot make the much needed changes without YOU those who are associated through adoption, or friends and family who are NOT associated with adoption in contacting your legislators.

If you read this blog and would like to assist, please contact us at nccar@mindspring.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

NC Family Policy Council - Rebuttal to Anonymous for Life

2010-05-14T10:22:00.004-04:00

Any Birth parent who has relinquished a child/children with the expectation that these children would be adopted need to be made aware that some relinquished children are never adopted; therefore their original birth certificates will NEVER be sealed by the State.

In a standard relinquishment, signed at minimum amount of hours/days following the birth of the child, the birth parent according to DSS-1804:

7. That I understand that when the adoption is final, all of my rights and duties with respect to the minor will be extinguished and all other aspects of my legal relationship with the minor child will be terminated;

9. That I hereby waive notice of any proceeding for adoption;

And last of all:
15 That I understand unless revoked in accordance with G.S. 48-3-706 or #13 above, my Relinquishment is final and irrevocable except under the circumstances set forth in G.S. 48-3-707.

When prospective adoptive parents take a child home, the clock starts ticking for the 7 Day period required by NC law before the adoption may be finalized in court.

Until that court hearing, neither adoption records nor the original birth certificate is sealed.

If a relinquished child goes into foster care or an institution, or dies before an adoption is finalized, the original birth certificate will not be sealed.

It stands to reason that once the relinquishment is signed, the birth parent is "as if dead," because regardless of what happens to the child, she's signed away her right to be notified.

Thus, any alleged "promise of confidentiality" is meaningless. In signing the document that she hoped would assure her child of an adoptive placement, she became persona non grata (a person who for some reason is not wanted or welcome).

Given these facts, how can any relinquishing parent be assured of "confidentiality"?

Anonymous for Life??? Should Adoption Be?

2010-05-13T14:25:00.006-04:00

We are in a new year, and the short Legislative Session. During the last session, HB1463 - Expand Access / Confidential Intermediary passed in the House 114 - 0 with 2 no votes. It was placed on the Senate calendar for May 19, 2010.

Since then, the NC Family Policy Council, has been spreading propaganda that if this bill is passed, and birthmothers are not able to keep their secret to the grave, then birthmothers will have no other recourse but to abort their children. How silly can they be?

What part of 'you can't promise a birthmother confidentiality' - LEGALLY does the NC Family Policy Council not understand?

I will repeat myself for their benefit one more time. Adoption Records are NOT sealed UNTIL the FINALIZATION OF ADOPTION.... NOT UPON RELINQUISHMENT!!!!

If a woman relinquishes her child for adoption, and that child is NEVER adopted, then there will be NO SEALING of the ORIGINAL Birth Certitificate.... When the child becomes an adult and requests a birth certificate they WILL get their original birth certificate with the birthmother's name ON IT!!!!

Even Foster Children receive copies of their OBC in their LIFEBOOKS!!

What this new bill will do is to allow siblings, 1/2 siblings, and other family members of a DECEASED birthparent to utilize the Confidential Intermediary program which went into effect in 2008. This bill also unfortunately has a type of VETO in it that if the birthmother does not want access, then these folks will be denied access to the CI program.

The NCFPC states the Violations are: "The CI program only requires one party in order for a search to be initiated and a non-consenting person to be contacted about an adoption. "

****This is done by an adoption agency, not by any of the people involved in the adoption. (And personally, I would have to state when they talk about "non-consenting" how much consent does an adoptee have into their adoption? - NONE)****

There is more contact today through the internet person to person, then through the CI program. Would they rather people find on their own and contact the 'unsuspecting' birthmother themselves?

As far as their statement that women will choose abortion over adoption, I would challenge the NCFPC to show proof. After all, there have been 6 states to open up access to original birth certificates to adult adoptees since 2000, and in each of those states, the abortion rate is lower than the national rate is. You can see this for yourself on the American Adoption Congress website at: http://americanadoptioncongress.org/reform_adoption_data.php

In their concluding statement, they state:
"A decree of adopiton effects a complete substitution of families for all LEGAL purposes after the entry of the decree". BINGO..... NOT BEFORE

"A decree of adoption severs the relationship of parent and child between the individual adopted and that individual's biological or previous adoptive parents... the former parents are divested of ALL RIGHTS with respect to the adoptee.

I have to rest my case with this, as I have been saying all along. A birthmother has NO RIGHTS after the adoption, but they keep saying they do????????

"It is not right for the state to change a law under which closed adoptions have historically taken place. Such adoptions are based on the assured anonymity of parents' identities, and HB 1463 would increase the opportunity for those difficult decisions to be violated."

Are we still living in the 1940's? That is what they would have us think. Laws change everyday. That is the purpose of our legisalture, to see that when an obsolete law such as Chapter 48 needs revision, that it is revised. The number of women who do NOT want contact with the children they gave birth to, is overwelmingly in the minority. You can see this in the states who have granted access. (http://americanadoptioncongress.org/pdf/or_al_nh_me_contact_stats.pdf)

Why should our legislature be establishing and keeping laws on what 'strangers' can and cannot talk with one another? That after all is what birthparents and adoptees are....STRANGERS when they meet.

It is clearly because they want to control the confidentiality of the ADOPTIVE parents. However, with this bill, THEY do not have a say, as we are talking all about ADULTS. There are no CHILDREN involved in this bill.

Last but not least, within the Chapter 48 Statute, in the Intent, it states: "to protect the privacy of the parties to the adoption,... " It does not state from who or what. But let it be known that there is a big difference between PRIVACY and CONFIDENTIALITY.
As citizens we are ALL promised some degrees of PRIVACY.

Right to Privacy:
Sealed records proponents claim that birth parents have a right to remain anonymous from their offspring and often articulate this claim as stemming from a constitutional "right to privacy." However, the courts have generally determined that the federal constitutional right to privacy means protection of individuals from government intrusion. A number of states have explicit right to privacy provisions in their constitutions that may provide greater protections than those provided under the federal constitution.

However a Tennessee judge put it very succintley regarding birthmother CONFIDENTIALITY....

"There simply has never been an absolute guarantee or even a reasonable expectation by the birth parent or any other party that adoption records were permanently sealed. In fact, reviewing the history of adoption statutes in this state reveals just the opposite."

WHY does this apply to NC also? Because laws change. Chapter 48 has been changed many times, and will be so in the future. After all, adoption records were only sealed in the 1930's in NC. The Original Birth Certificate was not sealed until 1945. So between the 1930's and 1945, adoptees could obtain a copy of their original birth certificate. So who's rights were being protected?

Please if you believe it is unfair for ADULTS to be REGULATED by our legislators, and that the NCFPC is way out of line in their assumptions and propoganda, then write your legislator TODAY and let him know that the people associated with adoption, should NOT be treated any differently then anyone else.

Let them know they should NOT be wasting YOUR TAX dollars on deciding who can and cannot talk with one another.

Please go to the NC Coalition for Adoption Reform website for more information regarding this.

A New Year is Coming - Help Us

2009-12-10T17:02:00.005-05:00

In North Carolina, adoption records which include: relinquishment papers signed by the birthmother, the birthmother's medical records, the childs medical records, the child's foster care records, the original birth certificate; are all sealed upon the finalization of the childs adoption. This being said, we know that even IF a birthmother were promised confidentiality or privacy upon the relinquishment of said child, it could never be legally upheld.

After all if she has twins and one is never adopted, that child when they become an adult will get their OBC with her name on it.

But a bigger question would be why shouldn't a birthmother be entitled to a copy of her OWN medical records of when she was in the hospital giving birth?

Also, why shouldn't the adult adoptee be entitled to a copy of their OWN medical records of before the adoption? After all those medical records are THEIRS. They do not belong to the STATE.

Next question is so why won't the legislators of North Carolina 'GET' this? Is it due to 'personal' reasons they wish not to 'GET' it? Did they possibly have a bad reunion and therefore don't believe ANY adoptee deserves the chance at the possibility of a happy reunion? Did they have a sister, aunt, or someone in the family relinquish a child and they are trying to 'protect' them, is that why some refuse to 'GET' it? If ANY of the above reasons are a legislators reason for not allowing ADULT adoptees to have a copy of their original birth certificate, should they really be serving the PEOPLE of NC, if they are letting their own PERSONAL feelings get in the way of passing law?

In 2010, Representative Margaret H. Dickson will be bringing back HB 1463, a bill to Expand the Confidential Intermediary program in NC. How will it be expanded?

It allows adult siblings and 1/2 siblings of an adult adoptee to be able to utilize the CI program. It also will allow for other adult biological family members of an adult adoptee to utilize the CI program.

This bill passed the in the House last year, but was not heard in the Senate, due to opposition there. The opposition stated if a birthmother requests not to be contacted through the CI program and one of these other people request contact, it could possibly 'out' the birthmother.

Isn't it time for our State legislators to STOP being the 'gatekeeper' of who and who cannot talk to one another within the adoption realm? They don't do this for anyone else, why should they legislate this for ADULTS in ADOPTION????

I for one would like to see this bill pass. If you would like to see this bill be passed, please contact the NC Coalition for Adoption Reform at the link.

We need your help with this. So please contact us.

National Adoption Awareness Month in NC

2009-11-22T11:43:00.004-05:00

NCCAR took the 'show' on the road. This month was a whirlwind tour of education around the state of NC.

We showed the movie Roots: Unknown by Zara Phillips to over 150 NC Division of Social Service Workers between November 1 and November 18 in areas such as Vance County, Gates County, Macon County, Alexander County, Onslow County, Wayne County, Martin County, New Hanover County, Perquimans County and Edgecombe County.

On November 7, we showed the film to around 25-30 adoptive and foster care parents associated with the group Transracial Families of NC Triangle.

We showed the movies to two of the four support groups in North Carolina also

On November 18 we ended the tour, showing the film to at least 30 adoptive and foster parents in Rocky Mount.

We performed exercises which really helped the people at these viewings 'GET IT' about foster kids in care, and what it is like to be an adoptee.

Education of the agencies working with adoption, as well as the public is the only way we will achieve access to the original birth certificate in North Carolina. We need these people to be able to contact their State Legislators (Representatives and Senators), letting them know 'It's ok if adult adoptees have their OBC, the sky will not fall here'.

Two States never saw a need to seal the original birth certificate from any adult adoptee. They felt that when an adoptee became an adult they should have a copy of that document. Six other states have joined in and have also allowed adult adoptees to have copies of this document. The sky has not fallen in any of those states. Nothing bad has resulted from adult aodptees having a copy of this document.

Nothing bad would happen here either. We are talking about people who are all adults and should act as such. If they don't, then there are consequences put forth by other laws which will govern their actions.

But back to NAAM in NC. All in all, we feel we had a huge success to showing this film as well as showing Unlocking the Heart of Adoption by Sheila Ganz to two of the agencies.

As an aside, NCCAR is on Facebook and also is now on Twitter. These are all good avenues to get the message out.

If you would like to help us make this much needed change here in NC so that NC is not the LAST state to get onto this bandwagon, please see our website. Help us make a difference in NC for the only group of individuals placed in a witness protection program without their consent.

Remember that birthmother confidentiality is a MYTH.... would never be able to be held up in a court of law since records are only sealed upon finalization of adoption....not relinquishment.

The State of Adoption Reform in NC

2009-05-26T11:07:00.003-04:00

I think it’s best, once again, to talk about North Carolina’s Confidential Intermediary Program. Since the law took affect in January 2008, some counties were eager to provide the service to adoptees and birth parents, while others weren’t. The ability of agencies to say “Hey, we’re not doing it”, still bothers me.
Who gets to choose if they will obey a law or not?

The Confidential Intermediary Program is not the be all end all for North Carolina. It is the stepping stone in which the adoption triad of NC chose to start the adoption reform process. What most adoptees in this state want is equality; to be treated like everyone else with regards to access to their original birth certificate. You have yours. Why can’t I have mine? I am an adult with my own children and would like to have access to the piece of paper that documents my TRUE BIRTH; the one with my original name, the location and hospital of where I was born and to whom I was born. The social taboos of adoption backed by antiquated state law keep this information a secret.

In studying the history of sealed adoption records in the United States as well as North Carolina, the sealing of one’s original birth certificate was put into place for several reasons. First, was to keep the biological parents from interfering with the new family. Secondly, to keep the adoptee from knowing the status of his or her birth. (i.e. unwed, bastard, illegitimate). Unfortunately, lawmakers use birth mother privacy/confidentiality as an argument to keep the records sealed, yet the law was actually created to keep the birth parents from violating the adoptive family’s privacy.

The Confidential Intermediary law is about reunions. It’s about people wanting to exchange medical history, pictures, cards, letters and possibly meeting for which I am an advocate if that is what an individual wants. Unfortunately, it is NOT about the right to the original documentation of one’s birth. Let me just clarify that not every adoptee wants a reunion. Some would just like the opportunity to obtain the documentation of their birth. Some don’t care to know a thing. I’m all for that too. However, at the present time, due to the circumstances of our birth, adoptees’ have been denied the basic right to our original and true identity; the original birth certificate that documents our genetic identity. Many of us want it, some of us don’t, but one thing is for certain, we all have the right to it.

The CI program does not address our rights as human beings, but rest assure the North Carolina Coalition for Adoption Reform will continue to pursue those rights for the adult adoptee population here in NC.

The dance

2009-05-24T10:44:00.002-04:00

Reunion is hard. Searching was hard, too, but it was this vague construct, and it took place in the familiar fantasy world in which I've always lived when it came to my adopted status. At least when you're in search, you can imagine how things might be. Worst-case and best-case scenarios can stack up side-by-side for analysis, and you can work through how you might deal with this or that circumstance. It's like some giant algebraic equation. If a, then y + b. If not a, then y - b x w. If she answers and hangs up, then call her sister. If she has moved, then contact the mayor. All sorts of possibilities, all sorts of solutions.

But when it comes to the actual reunion, it's a whole new ballgame, and as far as I've been able to tell, there is no rule book. Oh, sure, there are books on reunion, on the do's and don'ts, but every reunion is completely different. There is no chapter in any book that mirrors MY experience. Perhaps that's why at least half of the adoptees in reunion I've met in the last year say they are writing a book. No one shares the same experience in reunion between biological families and children raised in other families. It's more individual even that parenting, because of all of the variables, all of the players, and all of the time lost.

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I am happy to report that I have crossed a threshold with my bio-mom, the same one I crossed with my adoptive parents many years ago.

I grew up in a family that never said, "I love you." We just didn't do it. Quick hug, peck on the cheek, a "good night," that was it for affection in my house. I have pictures of me as a young child, three or four, sitting in my adoptive mother's lap, and it looks like I can't wait to hop up and be alone. Even as a baby, I've only seen one or maybe two snapshots where I was in my a-mom or a-dad's arms looking anything but uncomfortable. My a-mom always said that it was because I was anxious to move around and get back to my toys or my drawings, but I think it was a deeper sense of not wanting to be dealt with that spurred me to be physically apart. So maybe it was my own distaste for being held that set the tone, but the tone was most definitely set in my house. I was in my early teens babysitting one day, when I watched two of my young charges give each other a big bear hug. I recall this distinct longing in my gut for that kind of affection. No one ever hugged me like that, and I was determined to change my reality. That night I went home and when it was time for bed, I leaned over, gave my a-mom a peck on the cheek, and said, "I love you." What could she do but respond in kind? I did the same with my a-dad, and he replied similarly. From that point on, we became a family that said "I love you." My relationshop with my a-dad didn't change, and would never be healthy and nurturing, but at least he and I were going through the verbal motions. My a-mom and I had always been fairly close, but I wanted her to SAY it. And from that point on, she did. Even today, when we finish a conversation, we both say "I love you," although I'm most often the first to say it.

And so it has happened with my bio-mom. When she left last Friday after what was a disconcerting and yet really satisfying visit, I hugged her and said, "I love you." And that is our new reality. It feels good, and it feels right. We spoke yesterday on the phone, and she was the first to say it! Why am I so surprised when she does? I guess I've tried to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed or hurt.

Yeah, like that works.

These are uncharted waters, and I get seasick easily. It's work, these relationships, made more challenging by the passing of time, the withholding of information, the lies and deceptions that go into forging the life of an adopted child and hiding the life of a relinquishing mother. But that's the price we humans pay for being in relationship.

The story in pictures

2009-05-08T19:52:00.002-04:00

My bio-mom (our new super-hero name for mothers who gave birth and relinquished children for adoption) is, if all goes according to plan, coming for a visit next week. I've been working on a photo album, a scrapbook really, of my life from my adoption through 21 years of age, and as I always do when I scrapbook (yes, for those of us struggling with the addiction, that is a verb), I've been obsessing over the project and neglecting everything else that I can get away with so that I'll have a few more precious seconds to put pictures and pen to paper. I'm getting down to the short rows now (good old Southern euphemism to be sure) and will finish easily with another hour or so tomorrow afternoon. And that is a good thing, but this time, this scrapbook has stirred up emotions in me that no other scrapbooking project has before. It's no wonder, but as predictable as a storm might be, I've still got to deal with the thunder and hail that is accompanying it.

A few months ago, I made another scrapbook for my bio-mom, this one of my son's life, birth through three, and I was very careful not to include pictures of his adoptive grandparents, for fear of establishing a, "So where were YOU when this picture was taken?" kind of vibe. I figured she'd want to see my son's pictures more than anyone else's images, so I was cautious and put together what I thought was an attractive, informative, not-too-emotional book. She was pleased with it, and I've promised to do more pages to bring her more up to date. But this book, this book of my life, is a lot stickier. I've been torn between brutal honesty ("I was miserable from age eight until I left home at 17.") and sugar-coating everything ("I knew I was loved, and I had all of my needs taken care of.") Neither story is completely accurate, and yet both are true.

How much is too much when we decide to open ourselves up to our newly reunited relatives? How do we balance our need for transparency (confession?) with our desire to protect? Do we photo-shop our past?

And how do we deal with the feelings that bubble up when we look at our lives and begin to tell our stories? I have felt on-edge and nervous all week, hassled and annoyed at the smallest of things. Is this sadness I'm tamping down as I look at my baby pictures and think of what my bio-mom didn't get to see? Or is it anger that I was relinquished in the first place? Or maybe, more simply, am I just plain nervous about seeing my bio-mom again? Most likely a bit of all three.

So it's Friday night and my family is all home, and I can put aside my pictures for the night and enjoy some down time. But sleep may again be elusive as I hash through all of the pent-up energy of 42+ years of questions and, finally, answers. Perhaps the real scrapbooking is going on in my heart as I crop and rearrange my previous sense of who I am and how I came to be here to make room for the new pictures of family that are slowly emerging.

HB1463

2009-05-05T13:48:00.004-04:00

Today, HB1463 passed in the NC House Judiciary I committee.

HB1463, will Expand Access to adult biological siblings, adult biological half siblings and adult family members of deceased biological parents. This bill will also lower the age back to 18 for all adult adoptees to utilize the program, and allow an agency acting as a confidential intermediary to obtain a copy of a death certificate of the person who is the subject of the search and deliver it to the person requesting the services.

We hope that HB1463 will be read in the House tomorrow, and then sent over to the Senate, before May 14, which is the bill cross-over deadline.

NCCAR would like for adult siblings or other family members who would be interested in utilizing the confidential intermediary program to contact them, as soon as possible. We need you to be able to write to your Senator in the NC Legislature, when the time comes.

You can contact us at nccar@mindspring.com

Birthmother's Day Angst

2009-05-02T04:04:00.003-04:00

It's 4:00am on Saturday, and I haven't slept since midnight. After tossing and turning for ages, I finally gave up and came downstairs, started some laundry, and sat down at the computer to refine my Birthmother's Day address for church on Sunday.

Lying in bed, I kept going over in my head what I felt needed to be said on the topic, worried about not saying enough, maybe saying too much. I have to be sensitive to the fact that of the 75-100 people who will be in the sanctuary on Sunday morning, there will most likely be at least one or two mothers, and possibly fathers (more likely?) who have relinquished (although perhaps the fathers will be blind to the fact...oh boy, that's another post). I also want to be cognizant of the sensitive issues surrounding adoptive families, the infertility that may have led to the pursuit of adopting, the challenges of parenting a child not of your flesh, and (heaven forbid) the tragedy in some families of the adopted child not even knowing s/he was adopted.

Isn't it interesting that I feel compelled to be so ultra-cautious with my ten-minutes of mic time? As I begin to find my voice as a reunited adoptee, I am exquisitely aware of the importance of treading lightly in these new waters. I want to educate people on the issues surrounding adoption, relinquishment, and reunion, without scaring them away. If we can open the minds of our friends and neighbors, co-workers and carpool crews, then it's more likely to change laws, which must happen if we as adoptees are ever to truly be citizens on an equal footing in our society. This is important stuff, and I really don't want to screw it up, even on Sunday morning in my little church.

So I'll go over it again, fine-tuning until I feel comfortable with it. And if there is a birthmother sitting in the pews on Sunday, maybe she will find a bit of comfort knowing that her experience is being acknowledged, or perhaps someone will be curious and ask me why knowing where you come from is so important (as if there could be any question, but from those outside of the adoption community, I've had that question raised). I do know that I will feel better having talked about my own story. It's part of my own journey toward wholeness, one which truly began two years ago, interestingly enough, on Birthmother's Day.

How Many Adult Adoptees Left Behind?

2009-05-01T11:10:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday, the Associated Press released an article “US Does About Face on Camp Lejeune’s Tap Water”. This story is regarding the contaminated water at Camp Lejeune. Between June 1957 until March 1, 1987, two separate water distribution systems aboard Camp Lejeune were found to be highly contaminated with various chemicals such including VOCs (volatile organic compounds) known as PCE (Tetrachloroehlyene aka Percholoroethylene), TCE (Trichloroethylene), DCE (Dichloroethylene), Vinyl Chloride, and BTEX (Benzene, Tolune, Ethylbenzene and Xylene). These are known or suspected carcinogens.

Reported health problems in children who were exposed in the womb from their mother drinking water contaminated with TCE and/or PCE include: Leukemia, Small for gestational age, low birth weight, fetal death, major heart defects neural tube defects oral cleft defects (including cleft lip), Chonal atresia (nasal passages blocked with bone or tissue) and eye defects.

Reported health problems in children who were exposed in the womb from their mother working with TCE and/or PCE include: Low birth weight, miscarriage, major malformations.
In 1997 ‘The U.S. Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry concluded that adults had little or no increased cancer risk from the past contaminated water, but raised concern about effects on developing fetuses. It recommended studies on the fetal effects’.

On Tuesday, Federal health officials withdrew this 1997 assessment of health effects from the water contamination because of omissions and scientific inaccuracy. The article states as many as 1 million people may have been exposed to water toxins over a 30 year period before the bad wells were closed in 1987, with the Marines estimating the number at 500,000.

In 2006, the chairwoman of the NC Coalition for Adoption Reform (NCCAR), Roberta MacDonald, brought to Jeff Bryon’s attention, (a founder of The Proud, The Few and The Forgotten website) another class of people who were being forgotten. All of the children born in Onslow County and were relinquished for adoption.

Ms. MacDonald told Jeff there was no way of knowing how many women stationed either on base or off, may have either relinquished children for adoption. There are others who may have been stationed on or near the base who may have had their parental rights terminated at a later date. The children of these relinquishments and parental right terminations will never be able to know about their possible exposure to these chemicals. These children who are now adults would have no way of knowing they had been exposed either in utero to these chemicals or after birth, due to the adoption statute which seals adoption records upon finalization of adoption.
If adults who were actually stationed at Camp Lejeune, no nothing about the contamination, how can we expect the children of adoption to know?

Members of NCCAR believe original identity is a basic human right, and that every adult adoptee deserves access to their original birth certificate, the very same access afforded to all non-adopted persons. They believe that government should never be in the business of sealing a person’s identity without their permission, under any circumstances.

However because of adoption records being in North Carolina, there are probably a few thousand children at least who were adopted in Onslow County between 1957 and 1987 and will never know they were exposed to these chemicals.

The members of the NC legislature should know it is their responsibility and duty, to find a way to let this class of people know they were exposed to harmful chemicals which may have affect them or their children. There should be no adult adoptee or their children left behind, when it comes to this matter.

For more information regarding any upcoming legislation regarding access to original birth certificates in North Carolina, please see our website at http://adoptionreform-nc.org and for more information regarding The Few, The Proud, The Forgotten see http://tftptf.com/